Our trip to Holland from Malang

It is almost one week now that we stay in Holland at my in laws. Pelangi and Anugerah are enjoying everything. They also enjoy the bread very much instead of rice.

We had a good trip from Indonesia. I saw the big difference with five years ago when they were 8 and 3 years old. Now each of us can carry and watch out our own bag and I don't have to explain again and again why we had to wait or why we have to enter the plane again etc. We all understand it now. This is one of many things which can lighten the sad side of the trip.

This is our first trip to Holland just with 3 of us. Of course we think a lot about our trip of four of us. The last time was five years ago that we went to Holland together with four of us. I kept thinking about it when I entered the Soekarno-Hatta international airport in Jakarta, when I checked in and arranged the fiscal. He always did it for us, we just had to wait till everything was ready. It was no problem at all for me to do it but the memories are painful. I was happy when we hugged my family who brought us there, that there was no tears falling.

We had a very good trip, no turbelence and especially the children enjoyed the films, music, games etc which are available in the plane. Also the stewardesses are nice and helpful, much much better than five years ago.

When we entered the arrival hall in Schiphol airport I saw my father in law. When he hugged my children, I almost cried. I did not know how it came but I felt that Jan also saw it.

When we arrived in our holiday home (my parents in laws) my mother in law came out and we hugged and cried. Then it was ok. But when I entered our bedroom I had to cry again. I got mixed feelings about going to Holland. The one side it is good to see family and friends again but the other side I get all the memories. They are good memories but it tell me again and again that Jan is not with me anymore. It hurts me.

I thought it would be ok to see our friends and places where we have spent time together after five years but it is not ok, it is painful. It surprised me. In Indonesia it was not really hard for me. People who I talked about it with said that it belongs to the process. It is not nice but important so I can give a space for the mourn proces.

I also have visited the graveyard of Jan. It is so strange to read his name there but our names are also there. The text is "Jan hendrik Temminck, the lovely husband of Kindeng and daddy of Pelangi and Anugerah. Pelangi was calm but Anugerah would not stay there long. No problem for me but the important thing is that they have seen it. For us Jan is always with us where ever we are and the graveyard is just the last place of his body. Like if you leave your cloth in a closet you don't have to stay there either.

We stay here for some more weeks and we enjoy this holiday with Jan in our hart. Read more!