Our trip to Holland from Malang

It is almost one week now that we stay in Holland at my in laws. Pelangi and Anugerah are enjoying everything. They also enjoy the bread very much instead of rice.

We had a good trip from Indonesia. I saw the big difference with five years ago when they were 8 and 3 years old. Now each of us can carry and watch out our own bag and I don't have to explain again and again why we had to wait or why we have to enter the plane again etc. We all understand it now. This is one of many things which can lighten the sad side of the trip.

This is our first trip to Holland just with 3 of us. Of course we think a lot about our trip of four of us. The last time was five years ago that we went to Holland together with four of us. I kept thinking about it when I entered the Soekarno-Hatta international airport in Jakarta, when I checked in and arranged the fiscal. He always did it for us, we just had to wait till everything was ready. It was no problem at all for me to do it but the memories are painful. I was happy when we hugged my family who brought us there, that there was no tears falling.

We had a very good trip, no turbelence and especially the children enjoyed the films, music, games etc which are available in the plane. Also the stewardesses are nice and helpful, much much better than five years ago.

When we entered the arrival hall in Schiphol airport I saw my father in law. When he hugged my children, I almost cried. I did not know how it came but I felt that Jan also saw it.

When we arrived in our holiday home (my parents in laws) my mother in law came out and we hugged and cried. Then it was ok. But when I entered our bedroom I had to cry again. I got mixed feelings about going to Holland. The one side it is good to see family and friends again but the other side I get all the memories. They are good memories but it tell me again and again that Jan is not with me anymore. It hurts me.

I thought it would be ok to see our friends and places where we have spent time together after five years but it is not ok, it is painful. It surprised me. In Indonesia it was not really hard for me. People who I talked about it with said that it belongs to the process. It is not nice but important so I can give a space for the mourn proces.

I also have visited the graveyard of Jan. It is so strange to read his name there but our names are also there. The text is "Jan hendrik Temminck, the lovely husband of Kindeng and daddy of Pelangi and Anugerah. Pelangi was calm but Anugerah would not stay there long. No problem for me but the important thing is that they have seen it. For us Jan is always with us where ever we are and the graveyard is just the last place of his body. Like if you leave your cloth in a closet you don't have to stay there either.

We stay here for some more weeks and we enjoy this holiday with Jan in our hart. Read more!

Miss you...

Waiting always takes long but usually it’s ok for me. I prefer to wait than being waited because I can do other things, like reading or writing. But this time is different. I am having an appointment with someone to talk about things in connection to my late husband’s, Jan’s, business. I didn’t expect when that person contacted me today so I just mentioned a place for the meeting.

Now I am here, he has not come yet while it is almost thirty minutes passed the appointed time. We never met before so while writing and drinking lemon tea, I look around, something I don’t like, to see if there’s someone who is also waiting. That might be the person.

Then I realized that Jan and I used to come here just for a cup of tea and coffee. They are playing keroncong, Jan’s favourite music. It is a relaxing Indonesian traditional music but now it makes me nervous. It was long time ago when we were here for the last time but it looks like yesterday. Today I am sitting in this place without him around anymore. Strange. Unbelievable. Unfair. But this is the reality.

Schat, I am sure, you’re happy now so I am also happy for you. I just miss you so much……
Read more!

One Hour With You

If you only had an hour with me
I won’t give it up to an end
For things could come and go

Maybe I am not special
But I know I am special to you
For I know you love me too

But as I said before
I can’t take it anymore
Life is going wrong without you

But I need to move on
From the sadness and the pain
For one day I’ll be with you again

So I say thank you
For all what you’ve done
For the care and love
For the joy and happiness
You gave to me

If you only had an hour with me
I would use it wisely
I would be happy seeing you again

But as I said before
I can’t take it anymore
Life’s going all wrong without you

But I need to move on
From the sadness and the pain
For one day I’ll be with you again

For Papa
From Pelangi

Read more!

After January 12th, 2009

My dear Jan,
More than nineteen years ago we met
And more than fifteen years we were married

Four years we learned to know each other
Not through email or sms but just through letter

Everyday we wrote it
And every week we sent
Maybe it sounded stupid
But it worked excellent!

Years came and went
Together we have spent
Holland, Indonesia
And almost China

With all ups and downs
We kept moving on
We agreed to do the best
For our children whom we were blessed


I have been thinking
Maybe it is a crazy thing
My love for you keeps growing
You know, this is God’s blessing

Then we went through the darkness
In the first week of the year
I have been almost hopeless
To see all the pain and fear

I kept fighting for you
Because I care and love you
To make you better
Even my health didn’t matter

Now my life is not mine like before
Because you are not here anymore
You’re gone from this temporary place
To your Owner to get your rest

I miss my other half
But I am not alone
Life is hard and tough
But I need to move on

I’d tell everybody, every tree and bird
How I love you in my every breath
No matter how much pain I got
You remain the one in my heart

My dear Jan,
Thank you for being my husband
and the father of our children Read more!